anniversary no. 4

So this past Wednesday hub and I went out to dinner at a place in DC for our anniversary. The dinner was ok; hub is always very critical of fine dining food (never mind regular restaurant food), and this meal did not wow him. In fact we we left wanting a little. There were 24 courses with a wine/cocktail pairing. So every 3 courses we would get a new glass of wine, or a new cocktail. Mind you, we had already ordered cocktails while we were waiting to be seated so....yah. We were getting fuzzy by the 10th course. They kept bringing glasses out, and at some point I just stopped trying to keep up. It felt like they were intentionally trying to get us drunk! It did make the food taste better (not that it didn't already), but for the second half of the dinner, I hated being "half in the world". TK at one point, to my total embarrassment, started to drift off to sleep at the table. I kept hissing, "Wake up! Do NOT fall asleep!"


We had a sleepy Metro train ride back to our station in Rockville, and by that time, thankfully, I had sobered up, and we drove back home to Frederick. As I said, not an awesome rock-our-world dinner. We've had better. But it was a place neither of us had been to, so what the heck!

trying

I try to stay optimistic about our situation, about in general, but it's getting harder to do that. I know that I shouldn't and can't just give up on everything, but after almost 3 years of financial stagnation and utter despair/frustration, I'm closer to that feeling than I've ever been in my life.

We as a couple I feel can't take full joy in anything anymore. Because we're always fighting towards the "better future". Where we can be happy again. I can't remember the last time we both felt relief. I'm tired of searching for jobs. I'm tired of desperation.

I feel so alone, and we are alone in reality. I guess being at home right now, alone, does not help my state of mind. It amplifies my growing despair and fear, about going bankrupt, being on the street, or worse. Sometimes the silence and the loneliness builds so much that I feel it choking me. I almost always have the TV on, something playing on my laptop. To hear human voices. But I can't talk to them, hold a conversation. I could call my only true friend Todd, friendly acquaintances, or my family members, but I feel that it would be unfair to them to hear me dissolve into crying, in the end. Talking to hub about it is ridiculous. Who needs more fuel on the fire. I want someone to talk to, but I don't want to burden them with my problems. Like I said, I don't think I would be able to get much out. Just starting to talk about our job/financial problems chokes me up. More recently I'll have attacks; anxiety, panic whatever they are. The first time I've physically felt my heart-rate/blood-pressure rise.

I think of all the things I could be doing with my life right now at 25. How far ahead we could be. How happy we could be. Somedays I think that we were only put on this earth to be crushed under un-ending disappointment. Like the world wants us fail, to continue to be broken. Hub could be doing so much more with his life at this point, if it weren't for me, I know that. I'm just trying to start my career, but I feel so responsible for dragging his down. He had been working at some great places before we started dating. He'd probably still be going on an upward curve right now.

Somedays I want so much for someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright, Someone I could totally collapse against and maybe get some of my anger and bitterness out. But I can't subject that to hub, he doesn't deserve it. He's trying so hard as it is.

Sorry if this post is totally a downer. Writing things out sometimes blows off steam. At least if I can never voice these fears, I will have said them in some form.