10 May 2012

trying

I try to stay optimistic about our situation, about in general, but it's getting harder to do that. I know that I shouldn't and can't just give up on everything, but after almost 3 years of financial stagnation and utter despair/frustration, I'm closer to that feeling than I've ever been in my life.

We as a couple I feel can't take full joy in anything anymore. Because we're always fighting towards the "better future". Where we can be happy again. I can't remember the last time we both felt relief. I'm tired of searching for jobs. I'm tired of desperation.

I feel so alone, and we are alone in reality. I guess being at home right now, alone, does not help my state of mind. It amplifies my growing despair and fear, about going bankrupt, being on the street, or worse. Sometimes the silence and the loneliness builds so much that I feel it choking me. I almost always have the TV on, something playing on my laptop. To hear human voices. But I can't talk to them, hold a conversation. I could call my only true friend Todd, friendly acquaintances, or my family members, but I feel that it would be unfair to them to hear me dissolve into crying, in the end. Talking to hub about it is ridiculous. Who needs more fuel on the fire. I want someone to talk to, but I don't want to burden them with my problems. Like I said, I don't think I would be able to get much out. Just starting to talk about our job/financial problems chokes me up. More recently I'll have attacks; anxiety, panic whatever they are. The first time I've physically felt my heart-rate/blood-pressure rise.

I think of all the things I could be doing with my life right now at 25. How far ahead we could be. How happy we could be. Somedays I think that we were only put on this earth to be crushed under un-ending disappointment. Like the world wants us fail, to continue to be broken. Hub could be doing so much more with his life at this point, if it weren't for me, I know that. I'm just trying to start my career, but I feel so responsible for dragging his down. He had been working at some great places before we started dating. He'd probably still be going on an upward curve right now.

Somedays I want so much for someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright, Someone I could totally collapse against and maybe get some of my anger and bitterness out. But I can't subject that to hub, he doesn't deserve it. He's trying so hard as it is.

Sorry if this post is totally a downer. Writing things out sometimes blows off steam. At least if I can never voice these fears, I will have said them in some form.

2 comments:

Gaijin Wife said...

Firstly, big cyber hugs Laura. Your hub, your friends and family - they should be there for you during the hard times too. Hub might be feeling the same way and not wanting to burden you either. I don't know many 25 year old couples who are that together. You're still trying to find your feet. Getting scared about your financial security and the future - all part of the 25 year old package I think. Hell, its still part of my package too. I think its hard to be realistic that you will both get the job you want at the same time in the same location at the age of 25. Give and take - if you are both unhappy at your current jobs it seems like a waste. If at least one of you is happier that will rub off and you'll both be happier as a couple.

Its okay to be scared of whats to come. You just need to battle on through this hard time. I doubt very much you're in a tunnel with no light at the end of it. You can do it (said with fake Japanese accent whilst punching air).

Blogging good place to vent.

xxx

Lisa said...

I hope things will be better soon :) hang in there!