01 June 2009


Takeshi reminded me that June officially starts off the rainy season in Japan. Damn. Here comes some lovely weather, our way.

Well...here I am again sitting and brooding about the same old things. I don't like doing it, but I do, do it so much, because that's the person I am I guess. I also am always looking at someone else's life, whether it's reading their blog, or looking at their photos, and getting jealous for whatever reason. I'm always comparing my life to someone else's life. I do unconsciously sometimes. I don't like doing it. I hate worrying about other people and getting jealous. And yet I find myself slipping back into that gloomy frame of mind every so often. Maybe it's because I spend the whole week alone during the day. I think I have too much time on my hands right now = looking at other people's lives because, to me, my life seems uneventful right now.

I'm still, deep down, really resentful of the fact that we never had a wedding and a honeymoon. SAME OLD BROODING. But I can't help it. Damnit. I want to be happy with my life. I want to. But for some reason, I can't. Even when I should be grateful for the things I have - I still brood and get jealous and second-guess everything I've done in the past couple of years. It's very tiring sometimes, to have my brain.

Takeshi and I were laying in bed the other night before going to sleep and he all of a sudden mentions to me that he's glad he came back to Japan. And that he feels he's grown as a person/improved himself etc. and that he is grateful to have talked to his variety of friends and fellow employees, because they have evidently given him some advice/philosophy about - who knows what - life? Anyway, he's obviously feelin' the love for himself and his self-improvement - and then he asks me if I feel that I've grown or improved as a person over the past year of being in Japan. My answer was depressing - but realistic. I said something like, "Well, I don't think I've grown up at all, really. I'm the same person with the same tendencies, and quirks that I was a year ago. I think maybe I've become more introverted and reserved (since I'm in a non-English speaking, xenophobic country). I've made no new friends for about 2+ years." Blah blah blah.....depressing. I almost cringed at the end of my answer. Ugh. But I didn't want to lie about it...Takeshi said, "Huh..."

Don't get me wrong, there are SOME positive things I've experienced as a person, since coming here. I have taken on more responsibility....HOUSEWORK. AWESOME. Yeah, I'm awesome. Such a difference. Such a contribution.

I can't even get a job here, as I am right now with my language skill. So I can't even make money. That bums me out a lot. Bleh. Right now I feel like a huge moocher or something, while Takeshi goes out and makes an income for us both.

Fun, uplifting times, here! At least for Takeshi, anyway.

I'm ranting on this blog, and I hope it will make me feel better. Sorry about that...

Anyway, steering my mind away to other subjects...what to talk about....

Well, there's one positive thing that has come about from moving to Japan - I've had the time to lose weight! Huzzah. Last October I weighed about 154 lbs. (about 70kgs.). As of right now, about 7.5 months later, I weigh about 144 lbs. (about 65kgs.) I am determined to keep up the weight loss after we venture back into the country where they fry everything, live off of soda, and have morbidly obese 4-year-olds lumbering around. Yay USA. I'm definitely going to keep up my changed daily diet.

Some other progress. As a favor, I've been helping a friend of Takeshi's to create a logo for a cafe he plans to open and manage in the future. Recently he took the logo he picked and got a company online to make little square buttons. I'm guessing the future employees at his cafe will be wearing these buttons. I like how it came out and it's neat to see my work in 3D form, sort of speak.

Actually I do get some sort of payment from Mayumi-san, and it's usually food items, treats, and such.

yummy thing one

yummy thing two

Some random photos from the past month.

TK being cute. Me being fat and ugly. :) Our usual roles.


Sara said...

Hey I never got the wedding or Honeymoon either.. so i do get a bit jealous of those who have had them. On the other hand I'm a big lazy bones and wouldn't really want to put the planning into it that all my friends with the beautiful weddings seem to have done.

Hopefully my daughter will want to have a wedding or something someday and then I can just be the mother of the bride LOL.

I am jealous of you!! I dream about going back to America a lot... but since getting pregnant and my husband getting his new job here that will have to be postponed for.. a long time or even indefinetely. I often get blog envy :) I think its a grass is greener type thing!!

Anyways hope you are feeling better!! I know how it feels not to have any friends near you... all my friends live so far away now :( Thats why I'm such a blog whore I think! BTW - I think you BOTH look cute in the last pic :P

Renee said...

I hear you - being home alone all day does make you over think things (and can make you a blog whore, too! Some days I live to catch up on what other people are doing via their blogs).

I'm a SAHM away from family and majority of friends and find myself wishing I was at work (with "real" things to do rather than just housework etc and loads of lovely social interaction) some days and then have to remind myself that when I was working I was wishing I was a SAHM.

You can never win, you just need to find that happy place with yourself and where you're at. Not long until you guys are heading back to the USA, though?

PS - congrats on losing weight! You are officially the only female I know who managed to lose weight after moving to Japan. I salute you!

alg said...

Chin up kiddoh. Life is a really nice ride, but you have to find that happy place, just like Renee said. Things are a bit tough right now, and probably won't get really nice until some time in the future. Life is a series of problems. The problems are not waht defines your life. It's how you solve the problems that counts. We stumble and make the wrong decisions sometimes. Do not let your perceived failures deter you from moving forward. That IS life. As you surmount the hassles that life throws at you, you will gain an greater appreciation for how to live here and now, and not live in the past. Like the old guy said, "Life is what happens while you're making plans".

Lulu said...

The grass is always greener hey? I feel the same way sometimes!!! Now, my gripe is "argh, we live with the in-laws, i need our own place/space" but I know eventually we will move out and find our own place. It just takes time.

I have to say though- awesome weight loss! I ALWAYS put on weight in Japan! ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS! My first year here, on exchange, I put on 9 kilos. My second trip here, for 2.5 years I put on 19kg. I always lose weight when I go home. I did not manage to lose ALL of the 19kg this time though, unfortunately. What is your secret?

I hope what you are looking for in life, is just around the corner.

ローラ said...

Thanks everyone for your positive comments. I'll try to take your advice to heart - see what happens.

I'm feeling a little better today since it was Takeshi's day off, so we got to do stuff together.

I definitely brood more, when I'm alone during the other 6 days off the week, when he's at work. Lol.

kurify said...

I sort of have the opposite issue! N may be coming to live in America and as awesome as that is, at some point, I would like to live in Japan for a little while, at least. Of course, that's the whole everything looks better from the other side sort of deal that was mentioned above. It will work out. :)

And you both look adorable in the picture!

Nay said...

Hi, delurking finally to say congrats on your weight loss! I don't know how you do it... Like Lulu, I always always gain weight in Japan :(

I know what it feels like to want to be happy about your life, but not be... jealously sucks, doesn't it?

Your not the only one that feels like this though, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone :)

Corinne said...

Waahhh, sorry, I'm late with this comment!
I hear you on the wedding/ honeymoon thing, we never had one eitehr and I am also quite bitter about it deep down.
Maybe aim for an anniversary trip?? That's what we're trying to do...
Congrats on the weight loss! That's so awesome, I find myself eating about 50 million 'happy town's a day so I finding losing weight hard.
I also feel for with feeling fulfilled, I feel that I'm not a very good housework and I was quite good at my job but can't work so get really frustrated...
I'm sorry you've been feeling down, the button is soooo cute, you're obviously really talented!
Hope you're feling better than when you wrote that post! Take care.

Corinne said...

Oh my god there are soooo many typos... haha sorry, hope you get the general drift!

I meant to say ' I feel for you with feeling fulfilled, I'm not a very good housewife...'

There were way too many 'feel's in there. ごめん!