29 May 2009
Shh! Don't Talk About It
I wanted to make this post, to be able to rant and/or get some things out of my mind into words. So here' goes.
Ever since Takeshi and I were married last year, the occasional thought of having children has popped into my head from time to time. I feel it's kind of a natural progression of thought for women in a way, you think of marriage - and then the next usual step in life is to have kids. So I couldn't help thinking about it, wondering about it. The thing that annoys me, is that whenever I try to, innocently enough, talk about the idea of having a baby with people who are close to me - they freak out on me, in varying degrees. So, so far, I feel like I shouldn't even daydream about having a baby - or at least telling people about my daydreams. Y'know? Like it's taboo or something. I am not ready - we as a couple - are not ready to have a baby, but I still like to....yeah! day-dream about. I view it as a positive future goal. But whenever I start to lightly comment about my feelings on it - the people I know think that because I'm wanting to talk about it - that I want to have a baby RIGHT NOW. And that is totally not the case. But I don't like feeling like it's a bad thing to talk about, whatsoever.
I try to talk to my mum and dad about it - the reaction is "NO Laura, you are not financially ready to have kids, and you still need to get your degree. And you need to get your career going first."
I totally agree with that. But I wish I could just ask my mum questions about "girl-things" such as this, without signaling alarms. By the way, I know mum and dad read my blog, so when you guys read this, please don't bring it up when I talk to you again....I'm just thinking aloud, here.
Once or twice I've tried talking about it with friends of mine, (ok, only Todd). And he thought that since I mentioned it, that I was actually pregnant or something... No, not really.
I know Takeshi wants kids someday. We've even spent one night having fun with wondering, which boy and girl names we would really like to use, and the ones we definitely don't want to use. He says 1-2 kids would be fine. I feel the same way. But then again, he is a guy, and my husband, so I even feel like when I try to talk about "baby-future" topics, I can see him starting to ease away from the subject - and then wants to talk about something else. And the conversation dies very quickly. I think he acts that way because, he's ALSO scared that I'm ready to bully him into having a kid right now, or something. Sigh.
I guess my problem is that I need a FEMALE to talk to about this sh*t. I haven't had contact (in real life, not internet or phone) with a girl friend of mine for EVER. Actually, I've never had an abundance of female friends, in my life....hmm.
I have just been having these thoughts of annoyance in my head, recently, because I've been reading Sara's blog, with her pregnancy, and GaijinWife is pregnant too right now, and NOW Lulu's pregnant too! One girl I knew from high school already had her daughter - and she had a kid when she's my age! It seems like some people just CAN'T wait to have kids. Where here I am, feeling like an old married hag, who's childless already. It's weird...
I definitely don't want a baby right now, but I can't help but feel jealousy when I read about you other girls getting pregnant and such. It's a weird mix of opposite emotions and feelings about this subject. I hope Takeshi wants kids some day - in all the time I've known him he hasn't been one of those guys who just "loves kids and wants to be a father SOO bad." He's not that way at all. But then again, we're both still young at 22 - and have other goals to reach, before we look to anything more.
But, I guess I just want to say to my friends, family, and Takeshi (though I know he doesn't read this blog) --
"HEY! I just want to talk about it. I know where I stand financially in life, and all that crap. I am totally aware of it. I DO NOT want to have a baby right now, OR in the soon future. So PLEASE STOP freaking out on me."
But I guess if everyone's going to go ape-sh*t on me about it, then - I just can't talk about it, until I'm set up in a mansion somewhere, where both of us have jobs that bring in 6 figures each. Then, it should be ok to try it again.
Besides, before we're ready for kids - I know we both want puppies, for sure. ;)