sh*tty wednesday

I haven't posted anything for a bit, since there wasn't anything new or interesting going on, most importantly with job news. I've been so nervous, anxious, and frustrated with finally getting any kind of income that I have a hard time focusing on things. I can't do something for very long, besides searching for jobs online. I bounce off the walls.

Yesterday I actually went for a casual interview for a dog-walking job. The lady is very nice and is actually a fellow (retired?) graphic designer who owns the small company. They walk dogs in several areas in the immediate area. After hearing the details, the pay doesn't seem bad at all, especially for only about 3-4 hours of work a day. And it's not boring cashiering or retail work. Just before I went to meet with her, I checked my email and lo and behold there is a response email from a small graphic design studio that I sent my resume to. I was so jazzed of course, and wanted to call this other lady right away to talk about it, but I had to wait till after the dog-walker interview. So later, I call and I talk to this owner of the small design studio briefly about the nature of the position. She had to leave for a meeting so she told me to call her today at around the same time.

At this point my goal is to never get too engaged and hopeful about a possible employment - but could you blame me? First Graphic Design job possibility and the lady said she "likes my work." I've never heard that yet from anyone (or get an email back at all). So I was daydreaming about the future for sure.

I wake up today SO damn nervous that I don't eat breakfast right away. As soon as it's about time, I give her office a ring. No answer. So I tried her cell phone number (which she gives in the office's voicemail message). Nothing. So panicky-me I call her office once more and her cell once more in a span of about 15 minutes, before I leave a voicemail on her cell phone. And then a little bit later I call her office again. And she picks up.

And she "admires my level of enthusiasm" but OBVIOUSLY, being the panicky idiot that I am right now, I bombarded her with calls. She was not pleased of course, but assured me at the end that she will call me back. Which right now, I am half-believing. I was kicking myself mentally the whole time she was talking to me, and I would have burst into tears and groveled over the phone for being such a f*cking annoyance to a busy BUSY business owner - but at the end I said "I apologize." And we hung up.

I feel like shit right now. Recently, I took on the mindset that I as a person who is competing against who KNOWS how many applicants for a single job, needs to be the squeaky wheel so they don't forget about me. But this time, it ended up smacking me in the face. I risked annoying her so that she considers going with someone else. Great going Laura. REALLY GREAT. The first chance you get to have a design job, and you might have fuckin' blown it. She said she'd call me back after she gets stuff laid out and figured out - but a big part of me doubts it. I feel like I blew it at this point...

So I had a bit of cry, ran to the bed, covered up and slept for a couple hours. Wanted to be unconscious for a bit, so I wouldn't have to worry about anything. That's usually how I personally deal with stress - I sleep. I actually had some weird dreams too. Can't really remember them though.

I actually have another interview (got called today) on Friday for a cashiering job, but I hope to get that call before then. But actually, unless that job can pay good enough - the dog-walking job by my calculation would pay me the most right now as a part-time job. And it seems more fun, and I'd be moving my butt around and not sitting on it, or standing in place for hours. So, between those two I'm hoping I can take that dog-walking job in the end, if I don't hear from the studio.

People have been giving me advice about job hunting, and I appreciate it. It's mostly the same set of tips, and I've done most if not all of them by now. Thanks to everyone who has left me a kind word or words of encouragement. It's not easy these days and I am lonely. But it's nice to get messages from people.

It also pisses me off when people I know or who have talked to, who already have jobs but don't know when to INSERT foot in MOUTH when talking to me about it. One of my old high school friends was chatting with me the other day on Facebook. She's in school right now to become a lawyer. LONG story on that, which I have a lot of opinions about but that's another post.

Anyway, we were talking about maybe hanging out sometime soon, and she asks me what my "schedule" is like right now. Psh. My schedule? I don't have one. :/ But I say I'm "available most Saturdays right now blah blah". And she shoots back and says, "I'm free some Mondays, but otherwise only on weekends. :( working full-time sucks." Oh it does, does it?......Poor you. I know what sucks more though - not being able to pay all of your bills every month.

So I send back the message "Well at least you have a job."

She hasn't gotten back to me yet. Maybe she JUST then realized how fucking rude that was to say, or maybe she's just busy busy busy busy.

Anywho....what else to talk about that's not depressing....

I've been on Photoshop in my spare time recently, when I need to take a break from searching for job every day. I'll post the art here when I'm done, and probably on Facebook too. :)

Have a good rest of the week everyone. Send me some sunshine. <3