It's been a while. Again. T_T
I have been wanting to post, really I have. Just can't get past my everyday rut. Next Tuesday we'll be heading off to Florida, and be there for a week. Hopefully with no hitches.
I've been thinking of going out tomorrow to browse for a different swimsuit situation...right now I have sort of a bikini top that a bought in Japan, and a pair of MEN'S swimpants, also bought in Japan - because I couldn't find a pair of women's that fit my fat ass! Darn those Japanese women and their small hips and shoulders and everything else. Lol.
So needless to say, I could wear something a little more feminine. I pulled out all of my summer clothes, which mostly just consist of old t-shirts and skirts that are too small for me now.
I've been experiencing another bout of melancholiness/under-motivation lately. Just the usual bunch of factors in my life get me down again and again. It's like a rain cloud of "problems" that I can sometimes push away - but always come drifting back, to settle over my head from time to time. Job problems, frustration over Takeshi's neverendingly-shitty work hours, and not being happy with my body.
I'm hoping that the trip will help us be a COUPLE again. I don't even remember what it was like to be a giddy girlfriend anymore. I know it hasn't been that along ago that we've been married but, for me the nature of the relationship could be better. It seems that we're roommates sometimes, y'know? We work to gain money for savings, we chat about the day (if there's anything different to talk about) when he finally gets home at around 1am.
I guess I'd want to have (a) kid(s) in the future (when we're not struggling with finances), but then I think - TK's work hours are terrible, and right now it's just me. Would the kid never get to see him? There's a chance. Unless he finds a higher management position that pays more but allows him to have a LIFE, he's going to continually have to work all day and night, everyday. I feel like I'd probably be raising the kid by myself pretty much. This future possible scenario doesn't appeal to me at all right now. I remember a while ago (when I still passionately badgered TK about his work hours...) when I realized something that blew me away. I guess I was under the impression that as soon as *I* got a job, as soon as *I* could get paid well enough - that it could take away some from his "work obligation". That he could be around more, maybe be able to work for less hours in the day. The thing I realized was that - I can't help it. I can't make a difference. Even if I do make a really nice amount of money in the future, it won't change anything. It doesn't matter what I do, his work hours will always be what they are. And that realization dealt a BIG blow to my overall self-worth and usefulness. No matter what I do, I won't get to see him more.
I heard somewhere I while ago that Japanese men are first married to their jobs, and second to their wives. Has that got any truth to it, ladies in Japan? :/ I know Takeshi wants to have a life, and be home more, and spend time with me more.
So blah, yeah. Don't take this as me having a final decision on this relationship yadda yadda. No dramatic actions. I just need to spill some thoughts out, is all. Don't go crazy, parents I know you read this stuff...T__T
All I can do? - Push away that cloud, for now. Think happy thoughts Laura, if you can.